Must Thee Speak? (Part II)

"Seeker: Anyone whose spiritual journey is alive and continuing."

After two weeks of absence, everything in me felt at rest as we joined the Quaker Meeting this morning. We still don't know very many people, we are still learning what it means to be a Friend, but there was something about being present in that oval-shaped room full of people, being still together, that has captured my soul's attention.

Before we started going to Meeting, my first interactions with Quakerism were completely misinformed, or surface-level at best. Like most cereal-eating Americans, I've had my share of mornings staring down the dude on the oatmeal canister (or box) and thought that breakfast food was what Quakers were all about...

 ...and/or staring down the TV screen, watching Wilford Brimley telling me to eat my Quaker oats.

During my childhood, I attended a church camp where Mennonites in bonnets, long skirts, or suspenders played volleyball. I thought they were Amish, and when as I heard the word Quaker over the years, I thought of the Mennonites.  When I read Uncle Tom's Cabin, I learned that Quakers helped guide slaves to freedom, imagining all the while, bonnet and buckle-clad people hammering down a volleyball in the face of their ankle-length, skirt-wearing opponents. And surprisingly, there wasn't much teaching about the Religious Society of Friends in my undergraduate or graduate level theological education; they weren't even mentioned as a cult or sect, which is likely how they would be defined in those contexts.

 About three and a half years ago, while visiting my sister-in-law in Nantucket, I picked up a book by Nathaniel Philbrick, called In the Heart of the Sea. This book gave an historical account of the US whaling industry, which was based in Nantucket and driven mostly by Quakers (yes, these peace-loving folks were part of one of the most violent professions in history). This was my first interaction with the social life of Quakers, giving me miniscule glimpse of what they were like over 300 years ago.

Over the years, I have deeply connected with the work of Parker Palmer and Philip Gulley, Quaker authors who write on spirituality, both of whom sparked my interest in learning more about Quaker practice. Neither are evangelists for Quakerism (evangelism and Quakerism are like oil and water), but their philosophies on life and faith have resonated with my path. I recently learned that Gregg Levoy, a superstar in the career counseling world, is also a Quaker, and has written a seminal work called Callings:Finding & Following an Authentic Life, a book I have recently started reading. Palmer and Gulley were the impetus behind Bob and I attending a Quaker Meeting. I'm glad that I've slowly begun to learn what real, modern-day Quakers are like through reading, and now through attending the Boulder Friends Meeting.

Aside from attending a weekly Meeting, I've learned a lot more about the Quakers in the past seven months, having the chance to be a Friend at the Door for a month, attending a potluck, and reading a newcomers guide to Quakerism. I think I'm beginning to get a sense of what this is all about.

 I found that being a Friend at the Door was not the way best way to get to know the Boulder Friends, or Quakerism on a deeper level, but did provide a way get to know faces, and those faces start to get to know mine. Bob, Claire, and I typically don't stick around too long after Meeting is over because the nap schedule of our two year old tends to win out over socializing. But when we do get to linger, I think people are a bit more comfortable approaching us because they've seen me greeting them every week. I've been hoping, that when we can stick around longer, I can actually have some conversations with Friends to hear about why they are Quakers and what their experience has been like.

Another activity that Bob, Claire and I took part in was a good, old fashioned potluck. Something I have learned through a lifetime of church involvement is that food is central, and potlucks are one of the most common mediums of eating food with others. The first time I heard the term potluck outside of a church setting, I thought people were making fun of Christian practices. I simply did not think other groups of people partook of this socio-culinary secret and were lightheartedly mocking it. To my surprise, over the years I have learned that many groups of people have discovered and utilized this simple way of being together.

Now that I knew that potlucks were commonplace, the Quaker potluck opportunity was no surprise and provided an easy way for us to get to know people in a more intimate setting. I made sure to sign us up for potluck that included Sam, Claire, & Lydia (our friends who invited us to our first Meeting) because we knew they them, and provided a social safety net for us. After Meeting one Sunday, we headed up the winding streets of the Lover's Hill neighborhood, catching expansive views of the Flatirons to the west. We were going to Richard the archaeologist's house, near the top of the neighborhood. Arriving a little early, we decided to keep driving around to avoid awkwardness until our friends got there. There were a variety of houses, all fronting their own unique charm. Some were large and modern, others retro and cottage-like. Bob and I guessed how much property was worth in this area and how we would probably never afford living here.

We looped back around to Richard's, relieved to see that our friends had arrived. Hauling ourselves and food to the front door, we removed our shoes and stepped inside. Richard's cozy home was of the retro, cottage-like style, and was strikingly similar to my childhood home in Florida. I immediately noticed a feature that I have never seen in any home but mine: an in the wall phone shelf. All of the doorways were framed like my Florida home, and there was a similar, homey feel about the place. Richard was very hospitable and got us drinks right away.

Other guests arrived: a non-profit worker, a teacher, a county employee,  and biotech guy. I was immediately introducing myself to people because I have a hard time with strangers standing around, not introducing themselves. After 30 minutes of small-talk, and Bob and I taking turns ensuring Claire didn't destroy this lovely home, it was time to eat. I particularly enjoyed some kale enchiladas and chatted with Cindy (the county employee) about how she got involved in the Quaker community. I was really getting in to what she had to say when Richard paused the conversation to tell us it was time for The Query. Bob and I looked at each other, using our eyes to say: The Query? What the? Here is where the other shoe drops, and we are about to find out that these people are weirdos. Do we grab Claire and find an excuse to hustle out the door?

Our curiosity was stronger than our discomfort, so we stayed to learn about The Query. We, and the rest of the group, moved into the living room and found our seats, chairs in a circle. Just as in Meeting, we were all facing each other. Nate (the biotech guy, and Cindy's partner) explained The Query. With his brawny stature and heart thumping bass of a voice (if Quakers were Amish, then this dude would have completed a barn-raising single handed), he began the description: "This is a time when our Quaker community meets in smaller groups and tries to get a pulse on how attenders and members are experiencing the Meeting. We do this by asking a question, and give everyone a chance to answer. This is an opportunity for each person to share their experience." He then used a metaphor to explain what he meant. "Imagine that we are all sitting around a pond, each of us with a pebble in our hand. Your pebble is your voice. When you speak, it is like throwing your pebble in the water, allowing the ripples to go where they may. Your pebble is not for anyone to take out of the water. When someone throws their pebble, simply notice how it lands, and take it as you will." Basically, it was the Quaker way of saying: Share your honest thoughts, not in aim at any person. And, when you hear a thought, don't react or respond in a way that feels like you are snatching someone's pebble, simply notice. The question we were each to answer:

How have you seen love, received love, and given love, at the Friends Meeting?

Okay, so this wasn't so weird after all! In fact, I felt joy and relief to know that this community cared to ask this question, and cared to hear my response. Listening to each person share their experience, symbolically throwing their pebble in the water, broadened my perspective on the variety of ways that love is present and proactive in this small community. As I write this, this whole things sounds really touchy-feely, in some ways it was. But, it was really more an honest accounting, a sharing of things-noticed, in a way that everyone could speak, and be heard--without having to justify or defend their perspective. I didn't get to hear from everyone though because two-year-olds have needs that can't abide a Query. I shared my piece and was out the door, trading places with Bob, to run around the yard with Claire.

Attending the potluck showed me that this group wasn't strange, and if they were strange it was because they were intentional about having conversations that examined the spiritual health of the community. The potluck took me one step closer to an understanding of Friends, but I honestly still felt pretty clueless as we drove away from Lover's Hill.

My turning point for understanding the Quaker way of life has come from reading a little book called the Kama Sutra. Ha! Just kidding, wanted to see if you were still paying attention. Seriously though, I've been reading a book called Being a Quaker: A Guide for Newcomers. A pervasive statement I've noticed in most literature about Quakerism is this: It's hard to describe Quakerism. So along with my reading, I'm continuing simply experience the community for what it is. Let me pause here and clarify something: I am not looking for a new religion. What I am doing is looking for intention. I am looking for a safe place and safe people to walk this path of unknowing with me. I've dismantled my former belief system without a clue or plan for next steps. As I continue move forward, I need to be around people who aren't concerned about right belief or theology, but instead are simply paying attention. I think this is why this Quaker community has been magnetic for me. I haven't been able to pinpoint it, but reading this book has helped me understand their existence and why it is a haven for someone like me.

Through reading, I've learned that the silent meeting I attend is most like the British version of Quakerism. Many Quaker Meetings in the US have pastors, and some type of hierarchy and have taken on an evangelical flavor. The purpose of the British-style silent meeting is described as a community stillness, with the hope that the Meeting will be "gathered," meaning that attenders will have a collective sense of the Light. That, in the stillness, we are able to experience something deep within, or outside of ourselves that is meaningful or urges us to live out and see the Light in all. Okay, so the Light. That's another Friends term that is loosely defined. Some use the word God, others The Divine, or the Universe, or the thing that all humans have in common. When the word God is mentioned, it could mean a thousand things, and there isn't an assumption that people are talking about the Judeo-Christian God. Even non-theists find a home here, because the thing we all have in common doesn't have to be something outside of us or supernatural. I am at rest here, because I can say with full and hearty certainty that I don't know what/who/if God is, but I do think that there is something that connects us all, something powerful and mundane. The wild and crazy Quakers don't care how I define it. They do care that I don't impose my understandings onto others. Squirrely, huh?


There is a lot more I could say here, but I am starting to bore myself. Well, actually it isn't boring to me, but I am feeling like could easily stray away from my personal experience of the process and start writing a book report. There are some other intriguing facts I'm reading about that I want to see in action: No hierarchy (I have seen this in some ways)--decisions are not made democratically, nor by consensus. Yeah-that is interesting and I can't wait to attend a Meeting for business and see how that works. And, I haven't even gotten to share how someone actually determines whether or not that will speak during a Meeting. I included a picture below that hangs right outside the Meeting room that is a decision tree as to whether or not one should speak in a Meeting: fascinating.

I still feel like I am at the tip of the iceberg in all of this. There is much more to ponder and write about. What has been most striking as I've been writing, is that these last two Quaker posts are just the tip of the iceberg for me too. The part under water is the part I've been writing about for months, the whole story of how I got to where I am today, how my identity is shifting. I'm just now feeling brave enough to peek out and invite others to my underwater world of magic and angst. So my friends, and Friends, there is more to come. More that I hope resonates or brings something to light in your own path as I figure out how to bring mine to light. Or Light. Take it as you will.

So, I couldn't figure out how to flip this. It is worth it to flip your laptop or crane your neck.